Ehl Holloh Relth Holloh

I guess I should explain what 'ehl holloh relth holloh' means. It's an Arthanian phrase which means, "I hope above hope." The soldiers of the First Rell War used it as a battle cry, and it means pretty much what it says: that, despite overwhelming odds and circumstances, despite painfully obvious loss and failure, I still choose to hope. Above any beyond any sort of logic or reason, I hope that I survive this, and persevere. It means, 'I have no intention of giving up the fight, but I know the outcome is beyond my control. I will do everything I can, but my strongest chance is through hope.'

So the zoo trip finally happened. It was almost a bit surreal visiting this time, making a mental note of all the exhibits, where the animals were housed, precisely how much shit each creature churns out on a daily basis (fun fact: hippo keeper is not a fun job,) and so forth. It made me excited, and a little nervous. I imagine zoo keeping is a fairly coveted job. I'm going to have to really deserve it, and even when I get it, it will be hard, thankless, disgusting work for not nearly enough pay. At the beginning, at least. The things we do for the things we love.

It was wonderful having a day with the lady-woman, however. And we've cleaned the apartment in anticipation of having guests for her birthday party, so it actually looks like somewhere a person may live instead of a place a person could potentially be killed.

One good thing about my mental state is a near-complete lack of appetite. When I'm having a good day I can manage perhaps one meal, other days, not so much. Being a bit of a fatty, it's a welcome feeling to not be goddamn ravenous all the time. I did have one moment where the sadness reached some manner of threshold and passed from being "too upset to be hungry" to, "fuck it, comfort food," and I ordered a greasy, cheesy pizza. And then when it got here I felt so guilty I only ate three pieces. And then I wonder why I don't have any money.

I thought of a new story I'd like to write tonight. Then I realized it's pretty much Alice in Wonderland meets Heart of Darkness (the video game, not the novel.) That and I have approximately eight million other projects I need to finish before considering anything else. Although I have to admit that writing outside of the world of Dandel is an inspiring idea.

The uncertainty wears me down some days more than others. It feels painfully melodramatic to remain so ambiguous in a blog that nobody yet reads, but I do so out of respect for the situation, and only bring it up because it's cathartic to do so. But I feel as if I've exhausted the ways which it can be said: I'm more than a little terrified, I'm trying desperately to stay strong, and I'm trying to improve myself as an individual while the storm rages inside of me. It's a daunting experience.

I've done all that I can, but I still fear doing too much. Yet what I fear more is losing it. I wish I had more direct control and influence, but I just don't. There's nothing that can be done but to wait, and to hope. Hope above hope. Ehl holloh relth holloh.